Mourning something that isn’t even alive sucks…to know that you spent so long working toward something to just have it crumble is heartbreaking. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. From getting sober, to entering into a MEDBoard to be separated from the service, to being diagnosed with a few mental disorders. Let’s just say 2023 has been a roller coaster. Currently, I am processing the loss of the career that I though I would have. I remember being so eager to join the service, so excited for the possibility that I would be able to do something great for my country. I really really loved my job but some circumstances changed my view of things and took me down a dark path. 

My world basically fell apart in 2017 with a deployment and divorce happening at the same time, there was no happiness in my world…when I got back from deployment, the only way I knew how to handle things was to drink and try to forget my issues. No one wants to be 24/25 getting divorced and living alone after 9 months of being gone. I started drinking every day, as soon as I got home, I was drinking alcohol. Any day that ended with “y” and I was drinking. This continued until September 2022 when I had a severe panic attack exacerbated by alcohol. I was admitted….yea that kind of admission…it sucked. I felt like a failure and like I was never going to be able to live a life that I wanted. 

Without that admission I would not be in the place I am today. Today, while I’m still going through a med board and working on myself, I am a much happier and healthier person that can see the light and has hope for the future. Looking back a year ago, I would have laughed if you said I would have spent over 300 hours in outpatient treatment and therapy, that I would finally find a doctor that would listen to me and actually try to help my symptoms and not just throw medication at me, that I would adore my therapist and really look forward to my appointments.

My life is nothing like I imagined it would be at 30…I miss my job and I miss the career I never had, but I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason even if it’s not apparent to us at the current moment. I’m mourning something that I never had and that’s okay, I will eventually be at peace with everything that has happened and I am so excited to start the next chapter of my life.