Looking back on old blogs it makes me laugh because I really thought that I had everything figured out. I thought that not drinking for 30 days would solve my problems, but in reality, all it did was give me a reason to justify my drinking. If there is one thing I am, it’s self-aware…painfully self -aware of everything I need to work on, all of my flaws and every mistake I’ve ever made. Looking back, most of those experiences were fueled by alcohol…leaving a party because I didn’t feel “wanted”, running home in the dark and having to cross a highway in the middle of the night because it was the only way to get back to my house, falling asleep in the middle of a public place and waking up realizing so many things could have happened to me but I was too drunk to think about that at the time. I justified my drinking because it didn’t impact my job, it didn’t impact my ability to workout and I could carry on a semi normal life that no one questioned. Behind the scenes, I counted the hours until I could drink, waiting until I could go home and be alone with my drinks because I wanted to feel anything but what I was feeling at that moment.

 It all started more or less when I lived in Texas…if you know anything about Texas, there are drive through daquiri shacks all over the place…like a Starbucks for alcohol. The first time I realized I might have a problem (I didn’t really accept it, it was just a passing thought) was when the drive thru worker knew my order down to the extra shot of vodka I got every day on my way home from work. My personality revolved around alcohol…if I was home, out to eat, visiting family, hanging out with friends…I was drinking. Every event I attended revolved around alcohol and I began to equate the positives and negatives in my day to the number of drinks I was able to have, how out of my mind I could get and how much self-control or lack thereof I had. Drinking never led me to anything positive, but I absolutely believed that it did at the time. I had relation-shits centered around alcohol, friend-shits centered around alcohol and a life centered around alcohol. I surrounded myself with people who loved to drink as much as me, just another justification that drinking was okay and not a problem.

By 2022 I could quite literally count the number of days I had not had alcohol in a year on one hand (it was 0 btw). I had reached a point where I knew that I needed to do something to change my life. After years of self-destruction, it was time to change…and that brings us to the present. 

Tomorrow starts the rest of my life, I am worth working on and I will continue to do what I need to create a better life, a life I deserve. Asking for help was absolutely terrifying, but I’m doing it and I’m starting intensive outpatient therapy tomorrow. Writing those words for someone to read terrifies me, but my goal is to just be real and to show that it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to need support and it is more than okay to take time to work on yourself (will I listen to my own words…probably not, but we are working on it).

Proud. The one word that when I think about it, brings up so much sadness and anger. I have never felt proud of myself, but I poured my pride into other people and made sure those around me knew that they were enough, doing all the right things and creating a great life. Meanwhile I stood there telling myself that I didn’t deserve happiness, that my trauma wasn’t real, that I don’t get to be sad because I have too much going for me. Well, you know what, sometimes the people that seem to have it all together just don’t. When I pictured my life, I didn’t see a broken woman fighting a war against her brain…the anxiety, depression, ptsd, and addiction. I saw someone who was living the life of her dreams, but present Sara doesn’t measure up to what I wanted my life to look like, so now I work to become her. I can’t continue to gaslight myself into thinking that my experiences aren’t valid, that the feelings I feel towards them are too much…that I don’t have the right to be sad and take resources away from someone more deserving than myself. I tell myself every day that I am worth it, that I am loved and that I am not too much but it hasn’t stuck…I don’t believe those things. I feel the opposite so deeply and I can’t shake it off. How the fuck did I get here, to this place where I can’t even believe that I’m worth fighting for…sure I’m getting help for my problems, but in doing that I don’t feel proud for reaching out, I feel shame for not being able to process my own damn emotions by myself. I am tired, I am sad and I don’t know when I will be myself again, but despite it all I’m still trying. Maybe one day I will believe that I am enough and worth it but until then I will remind myself daily with the new habits, I’m creating by giving myself 10 uninterrupted moments each morning and evening to write my thoughts and feelings.  Processing my emotions will take time, and learning to trust that my experiences and reactions to them are valid may seem impossible right now, but one day, everything will be okay. 

Do you ever do something you know isn’t good for you? I bet almost all of you answered yes to that in your mind but if someone asked you in person you would deny it. For me, I justify things because I work out, eat right and drink enough water for a football team, but that’s not how life works. You don’t just get to negate the harmful things you do because you practice more healthy habits than not. I have one of the most, if not the most addictive personality and literally anything can become a vice but for me; the two biggest being gum and cigarettes. I promised myself I would never smoke when I was younger but here we are…only in the past few months have I started questioning why I do it. The number of people that have told me to quit and chew gum is comical because while smoking almost a pack a day, I also chew gum constantly…it’s a huge problem and I see that. In my mind, I can’t just shut it off though, I can’t just wake up and stop…it has to be methodical. Going cold turkey on anything has proven disastrous before (Sara circa 2009 who hadn’t had chocolate or peanut butter in a year).

Sometimes it’s not about will power, it’s about recognizing a problem and searching for the root so you can destroy that and build yourself up on a foundation free of cracks and unwanted weeds. I’m not sure how or when, but I will not be a lifelong “insert bad habit” I refuse. I want to be remembered as strong, confident and compassionate…not as a frustrated, angry shell of a person.

If you feel inclined, I would love to start a discussion about anything that might be hindering you from being the healthiest version of yourself!

Self-love is often thought of as something you either have or don’t have. Like so many things in life, it’s not always inherent to someone and must be taught, cultivated and nurtured.

I have fallen victim to my lack of self-love and low-self esteem more times than I would like to admit in the past 28 years. I was always such a confident little girl who at the age of 4 when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up exclaimed that I didn’t need to be anything because I was beautiful. I look back and am so sad for that little girl because by the age of 8 she no longer felt that way and was just sad. I wanted so badly to fit in but I was bullied beyond belief (verbally never physically) by little boys who had no idea that their words would destroy any self-esteem I had. From whale, to fat cow, to pig and fat bitch I was called so many names that really left me feeling like I would never be good enough. The people in my life that mattered never said those things to me but I let the words of people who didn’t matter change the way I saw myself and jump started my journey into a really dark period where I did anything to be the best at everything and I succeeded. By all accounts I was confident and working hard for things I wanted. Inside I hated everything about myself.

I still question myself and require way too much assurance that I’m not a bitch, that I’m good enough and that I’m worthy of the good things that happen in my life. So many people have let me down and told me I was too much to handle, but at the end of the day I have to remind myself that those people never really cared about me, they cared what I could do for them. I have to stop letting their behavior interfere with my self-esteem and self-worth becsuse I have let it go on for way too long. I am convinced and terrified that everyone in my life will one day see everything that I think about myself and will believe it. I don’t want to ruin my friendships and relationships because I feel some type of way. I am thankful for the parents, boyfriend and friends I have for sticking with me through everything. I have a lot more good days than bad but it still takes me far too long to name myself when I’m asked what are the things/people I love in my life. Take it from someone who constantly feels less than that you most certainly are not and those that love you will never make you feel that way. So today, forgive yourself, know that you are more than enough and that you are worthy of all the good things that happen in your life.

FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. Your heart is racing, anxiety through the roof and all you can do is obsess over what other people are doing without you around. However, this feeling doesn’t appear out of nowhere, it builds from years of being left out and ostracized. Over the years more and more people would follow suit until one day you are convinced that no one wants you around and you care so much more about people than they do about you. You see, the problem with having a big heart is that you are the one who always ends up hurt. You spend your days going over every scenario, asking yourself why you’re never good enough. If you’re like me, the thought trap that you’ll never be good enough plays on a constant loop in your brain. You let the negativity your brain creates to fuel the way you see yourself…as too much but somehow never good enough. 

When this loop starts playing in your head it’s up to you to see the silver lining and focus on the people in your life. Remember those who care and forget about the ones who would never give you the time of day. So, here is your list of things to tell yourself during an episode of FOMO

• Realize that it doesn’t matter what other people are doing
• You are enough 
• It’s okay to voice your feelings 
• You have a small circle and that’s important
• The anxiety won’t last 
• What you’re feeling right now won’t matter in 5 days, months or years 
• You will get through it! 

We hear it constantly that we should all be conducting self care on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. For the vast majority of people (myself included) self care is this thing that just feels so selfish and often times leaves me feeling like I should have been doing something “productive.” But you know what? Doing self care is productive because it’s like hitting the reset button! It allows you to give your undivided attention to things that you would have put off longer had you not taken time to focus on yourself.

When I find myself thinking that I should spend my time doing something else that doesn’t involve self care I have to remind myself that not focusing on myself is a dis-service to all of the tasks I need to complete. Setting aside 10 minutes to do a face mask, do my nails or just sit in a bath with my phone on silent resets my brain and allows me to focus on those things after I take care of myself.

We live in a world that goes 1000 miles a minute and we all need time to re-set and give ourselves a break. Here are some things you can do to show yourself some love. The list will include a things that will cost some moola to things that are completely free and you can do at home.

1. Get a pedicure (if you have the money go do that, if you don’t go give yourself one!) 2. Get a massage (set up a monthly massage you’d be surprised at how much better you feel. 3. Turn your phone off and run a bath. 4. Do an at home facial…if you have a mask, do that or make one that you find a recipe for. 4. Go on a 10 minute walk with your phone on do not disturb…this one is one of my favorites. 5. Organize your room. A clean bedroom will leave you feeling accomplished and less stressed. 6. Read a chapter of your favorite book. 7. Journal about your day or whatever is on your mind. 8. Put an episode of your favorite show on and turn your phone off so you don’t get distracted. 9. Color, yes color lol. It’s so relaxing! 10. Meditated…5 minutes is all you need. This is the hardest for me because my mind goes 10,000 miles a minute but it’s so good for you.

Self-Care isn’t selfish, it allows you to put our focus on other things while giving them your full attention. Taking 5-30 minutes (depending on the activity) will make a world of difference in how you approach your daily tasks and how you treat yourself because you deserve that!

I have always been the person who makes unattainable resolutions that ultimately end in me feeling like a failure because I couldn’t reach my “goals.” Resolutions are usually set at the beginning of a new year but are rarely ever backed by solid plans, turning them into reachable goals. This isn’t to say that you should never make resolutions, but if you do, you must create a glide path of benchmarks that will lead you to that resolution…or goal as I would rather call them. Every new year seems to bring about a renewed sense of wanting to change but that feeling is fleeting and by the 3rd week of the New Year, most resolutions are already forgotten or given up on. This year is different, this year is my year.

When January 1st hit, I made a promise that I would not make a resolution based on my body or how I think my life should be. I didn’t even think to put a price on making sure I was becoming the best version of myself because I didn’t need a “new year” to invigorate my desire to be better, know better and do better. This new year brought a sense of calm because I refused to box myself into unattainable resolutions I thought I had to make in order to fit to the status quo. The only thing I told myself was that I would be 1% better in everything I do and that I would find ways to achieve my goals that did not require me to completely re-arrange my life. No weightloss goals, no crazy savings goals, just a vow to invest in myself and create the life I want, not the one someone else thinks I should have.

You see, my “resolutions” didn’t start in January, they started in July of last year when I decided I was done making exuses and treating my mind and body like a garbage can, letting drama and bull shit cloud my desire to grow mentally and physically. I made a decision that would help bring about the change I wanted to see in my life, the change that I wanted for myself. There are many people who never invest in themselves and for a them, I hope they have a moment of clarity to truly find what they want out of life. In July I decided to invest in my future by hiring a nutrition coach, I put aside my pride and allowed Team NK and Chelsea Cross to guide me in my journey to be 1% better every day. My pride and need for approval were put aside and I can honestly say it’s the best investment I’ve ever made in myself. I’m not saying you have to do the same but you have to be able to clearly look at the goals you make and invest in whatever is necessary to make them happen (within your means of course).

I didn’t wait til January to invest in myself, I did it when I was at my lowest and needed help pulling myself out of a very dark place. I didn’t use January as an excuse to make a goal that would be forgotten in 14,21 or 30 days. I took the leap and jumped in feet first and now I have a group of amazing people that share in my desire to create lives they love. 2021 is a year that many people have been looking forward to and I must say I’m excited to see what it has to bring!

Have you ever known something rationally but you just can’t seem to tell yourself it’s real because your mind is somewhere else? If you answered yes, then we have at least one thing in common. For me, everyday I live with a troll that tells me over and over again that I’m not good enough, smart enough or strong enough, but at the same time I’m too much. My fear of not being enough leads me into a rabbit hole that is, for the most part, almost impossible to climb out of.

I don’t know when it all started, but what I can tell you is the more things I have accomplished the louder the troll has become. Trying to keep in front of the imposter was my goal and I was willing to put my all into any relationship, work project or personal endeavor. Ticking those things off my internal to do list did absolutely nothing for my mental state. If anything it made it worse.

The boiling point happened in 2017 and I caved to the troll and I became a person I wasn’t sure I knew anymore. I stopped being ambitious and I let my mind tell me I wasn’t enough for anyone, not even myself. And since I wasn’t enough, I would be too much of a burden on everyone else if I sought the help I desperately needed.

Over the past 3 years I have seen multiple mental health professionals, invested in self help books, videos and podcasts and done an unending amount of soul searching. What I’ve found is that not everyone will like me, I will be too much of something for some people, but I am ENOUGH for the people in my life that love and support me. Sometimes people just need reassurance, especially when their brain is fighting them every second of every day.

All of this is to say forgive me if I….

Need you to tell me I’m okay

Need you to tell me you’re okay

Need you to remind me that I’m loved

Just need reassurance that I am where I am supposed to be

In return I will…

Remind myself daily that I am

Good enough

Strong enough

Never too much

And loved by those who care about me

October!

A new month always brings so much clarity for me with it’s fresh start appeal and positive vibes. However, October is a month that normally brings up a lot of emotions from my past that I would rather forget. Instead of forgetting this year, I am committing to feeling my feelings and finally letting go of the baggage I have been carrying with me for nearly three years.

You see, fall is a season that in the past has brought me nothing but heartache and pain…from failed relationships (romantic and friendly) to personal issues too complex to deal with. The past 3 years have been filled with a variety of things that would break most people and although they came close in my case, I chose to fight through my problems and while I’m still fighting, I have learned so many important life lessons. Past Sara would have shoved those things in a cluttered corner, letting them fester and mature into unmanageable monsters, but present Sara is finally able to see each issue for what it is and has begun to let go and learn from every negative lesson that has presented itself.

As Michael Buble defrosts I am dedicating myself to my personal, mental and physical recovery. For the next 30 days I will …

1. Write down 3 positive things that happened each day
2. Go into every workout with a positive mindest
3. Allow myself to feel my emotions whether they are negative or positive
4. Write my feelings down when they become to hard to deal with
5. Allow myself grace in my professional life