5 years ago, I almost died. I almost died because I was too scared to seek medical attention for fear of what my boss might say. The feeling that he thought I was malingering or seeking attention ate away at me while my body slowly went into septic shock. How could I know if he thought I was malingering, I don’t control his brain? I may not have the ability to read minds but his greeting when I came back to work confirmed my fear…a simple “oh, you weren’t kidding when you said you were sick”, confirmed everything I thought about myself and caused me to shove the pain of that experience into the deepest part of my brain…. now it’s 5 years later and that corner can’t take anymore. It took me 5 years to realize that one experience caused me so much anxiety, pain and sadness.
Looking back on this time in my life makes me so sad. I wish I had received help for these issues sooner, or had identified the problem before it became too much for me to handle by myself. Even bringing it up now, I think about the things I could have done to alleviate the anxiety or make things better for myself. This issue has an impact on so many people regardless of their line of work. The idea that getting help is a weakness or makes you less than. That focusing on mental health is not as important as a physical ailment…that your life is worthless because someone else doesn’t understand the pain you suffer, the pain that to most is invisible.
Holding on to painful experiences allows for so much negativity and sadness, that left untreated leads to terrifying outcomes. The thought that going to bed and not waking up is so much better than having to live another day trapped inside a brain that can’t begin to fathom what real happiness and joy is. The idea that if you weren’t here the world would be better off because all you bring to it is negativity and pain. No one comes to you because they think of joy and happiness when they hear your name…your name is synonymous with saltiness and annoyance. You joke and laugh at how “salty” you’ve become but inside you’re crying because you don’t want to be miserable and you don’t want to show others how lonely and heartbreaking it is to be in your world.
Despite the parents that love you dearly, the mom that would do anything for you, the friends who have let you know that you mean something to them…you still can’t see the light through the trees. Getting up is a struggle….basic human tasks seem impossible, hell just brushing my teeth is a nightmare most days. I sit here and wonder how the hell I got to a place that has left me so lonely, heartbroken and immeasurably sad. I want to be happy, but right now I don’t even remember what that feels like, I’m so deep in my own bullshit and I am trying with every fiber of my being to get out of this hell I created in my mind. I built the walls up so high these last 5 years that I don’t know how long it will take for me to knock them down, but inch by inch I’m working at it. I almost died, almost…..almost….I didn’t die! I let a part of me die and now I have to figure out how to build that part of myself back up. My feelings are valid no matter how much I tell myself they aren’t. I matter, even when I don’t think I do and I hope that I can help at least one person by sharing all of this….just one that’s all I’m hoping for.
P.S. I am so sorry about my grammar and sentence structure.