Toxic, manipulative, bitch, selfish…all words that have been used to describe me. You would think these four words would have been said behind my back, but these were said to my face by people that I loved and cared about. Maybe whoever said those things is right, but by nature I’m empathic to a fault and continuously strive to help and take care of those I love and care about. I care and love about people and I end up giving them all the love I should be giving myself. Whoever said, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”, must have been thinking of me when they said that.
When I think of the conversations that brought those around me to the conclusion that I’m toxic, I feel physically sick because that is the last thing I want to be to those I care about. Hearing those words over and over has made me believe that maybe I am the problem, maybe they’re right. If that’s the case, how do I fix it? Going back to the same behavior that has left me empty and alone has never worked out so now I have to change. Not change my personality, but the way I interact with people and the people I surround myself with.
Selfish is the word that makes me more upset than anything. I am giving to a fault and I would do anything to help someone in need. I’m not gloating, but it’s amazing that the same people I helped and expected nothing in return from could turn around and call me selfish. It’s easy to tell myself not to believe what others tell me I am, but after hearing it over and over it’s incredibly hard to not believe it. These days, when I go to bed I lay there and stair at the ceiling and just think about all the things i could have done differently.
My desire to be liked by everyone I meet has ultimately lead me to where I am today; 26, alone, tired and sad. I have done a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of, but being a manipulative bitch isn’t something I consider myself. Most days I do believe what people say to me and I walk around with a pit in my stomach, but I’m ultimately trying to shrink the voice in my head telling me I’m a horrible person. At 26, I’m starting over, I refuse to continue feeling like this and I refuse to let people into my life that don’t even try to understand why I am the way I am.
When someone tells you or shows you who they are, believe them. My name is Sara and the only opinion that matters in my life is my own. I’m not saying I have never been those things, but that is not who I am and that is not how I have ever treated people. Unfortunately, I do believe what people tell me I am, but from here on out I promise to remind myself daily that I am loving, kind and compassionate.
Learning to Manage the Unmanagable 
Self criticism is the worst, but glad you see that you are not what they say you are.
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When I first read your post I instantly thought there is no way they are talking about you because not one of those words would I use to describe you . However, then I thought of my own experience and I have gone through the same exact situations or circumstances, albeit my words are a little different than yours. Mine are : Annoying, selfish, an asshole. Like you, I was horrified that people said these things right to my face .
Annoying, this word was used by many people when I was in HS. One particular example I still remember to this is day, is a girl I had a huge crush on, lived in an adjoining neighborhood to mine so we rode the same bus to school. I forget what brought up the topic, but she says in front of everyone on the bus, “You have to be be most annoying person on the face of the planet, no wonder no girl wants to go out with you!” I mean what do you do. I was in shock and of course the entire bus is laughing at me, so I sheepishly smile and try to get off as fast as I can when we get to the school. Inside, I was crushed. I held back the tears as I walked to my locker and home room class. I thought “ if this pretty popular girl thinks I am annoying maybe I am ?” My social anxiety, like you mentioned makes me want to be liked by everyone, so throughout college, when someone did not accept my friend request on social media, I would panic. “What’s happening?” “What did I do wrong?” I would attempt to overcorrect it, I would send them messages, asking what I did and apologizing for upsetting them. Again, like you mentioned once you hear something enough times you begin to believe it. I did not want to be annoying, I just wanted to be understood and have people like me.
Selfish – Like you every time someone would call me this, I would feel so sick to my stomach. I never want to be a selfish person, like your post I would never consider myself a selfish person, I give freely and openly to pretty much everyone, especially friends or someone who is struggling or hurting without looking for repayment or getting something out of it. Yet, people have said, “ You are so selfish, no woman will want to deal with you.”
Just like you do not believe you are a manipulative bitch, I want to believe I am not this horrible asshole of a person. Actually, I told this to my counselor some months back. We were doing some kind of exercise on self awareness and he told me to write down on his whiteboard words that I thought described myself. I wrote all of the ones above, and he was dismayed. “You actually think this about yourself?” I would answer, “Yes” and try to justify it with all these examples of past experiences, etc. He said that is not who I was at all, but until I stopped believing that, I would act in ways that validated those thoughts.
Like you so much of my young adult life has been full of trying to please others and making people like me. Those who promised they’d have my back no matter what, most have faded away, with only one or two actually fulfilling their words. It is sad and extremely tiring , the smallest thing or comment from someone sends me into a tailspin. I wonder if anyone else feels this way ? Do they think they are some awful messed up person ? Everyone else seems to hide it so well whereas I feel as though I am very easily read, like a children’s book. I to have to fight the negative self talk and words in my head.
Someone once told me “What someone thinks about you is none of your business.” I still don’t understand what that means. But something that I have been working on in counseling is not taking everything personally. This has been the equivalent of scaling Mount Everest for me. What I mean by not taking everything personally, is not blaming myself or making myself responsible for everything . If someone does not like me, which as I have mentioned is such a hug struggle, I have needed to reprogram my brain to not automatically believe it is because of something I did or didn’t do. This has been so extremely difficult to do . I am no where close to where I want to be, but so much farther that I used to be.
I will end with this, when I think of you the words I think of : lovely, caring, brave, selfless, beautiful, creative, intelligent. You are NOT toxic, too much to handle or love, a manipulative bitch, or even a bitch in general. You are not selfish or anything else a lot of people want to label you as. Maybe you and I both need to work on who’s opinion and words we hold in esteem . I would love to go on this journey together, you remind me and I will remind you. That’s after all what friends do . (I think I rhymed there!).
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Thank you for this it is so nice to know that someone understands!
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I absolutely do
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