I haven’t posted in a while and I’m honestly not mad. The past 6 months have been some of the hardest months of my life, but I’m sitting here making myself a priority and working towards my goals. Lately it seems like I just can’t win. I’m either too serious or just downright silly and it’s taken a toll on me trying to be everything at once.

Moving to Arizona was a blessing, especially since I was in a very dark place in Korea, but it hasn’t been everything I hoped. Yes, the change of scenery helped but it didn’t get rid of the voice in my head telling me I’m not enough. I thoroughly believe my brain 97.8% of the time and it’s exhausting. No matter how many people tell me I’m a good person and to not care, I choose to focus on those who see a problem with how I am. It’s like in every relationship (all categories) I am the extra one.

This mindset was spurred by an ex who sent me a meme of a trash bag looking in a mirror. He sent it to me and his message read, “oh look, it’s you.” Those words and image have stayed with me and I am convinced it’s the truth. Logically I know it’s not, but the larger part of my brain wants to believe I really am worthless. Not for pity or attention, but because I honestly believe it.

Coming to terms with how I see myself has sparked a fire in me, and now I’m doing everything and anything I can to change it. Have I been the mean one? Yeah, but who hasn’t? Have I fucked something up that meant a lot to someone? Of course, I have!

Life is seriously a roller coaster and I’m on the ride for the long haul, but realizing my worth is something that will take a long time. This is the start of my journey, not the end.

6 thoughts on “Lately

  1. I totally understand where you come from, my dad growing up told me I was worthless and a mistake and always said things like “why can’t you be more like your younger brother” or “if you make it to work at a McDonald’s it will be a miracle”. So I totally get it! I also struggle to accept or believe compliments that others make, irregardless of why they said it, like if someone says “wow, I think you are super attractive, I automatically respond with have you had your eyes examined recently. It might be funny in the moment but the behind that self-deprecating humor is me saying “I don’t believe you” because I have such a low self-image of myself. As you mention it also affects friendships because I always deep inside feel like people are my friend because they either feel sorry for me or because they want something and see me as a conduit to getting whatever it is that they want. Honestly, that is sad that I automatically think that way, but due to past experiences I have just been conditioned to think that even though I am trying so so hard to break that way of thinking it is literally a struggle anytime I interact with someone because I have to challenge myself not to automatically believe the negative or worst outcome of that interaction will happen. It can be something as simple as a text message, if I don’t get a response back in what I think is a reasonable amount of time the brain kicks in “oh they must not like you” or “oh you must have done something to upset them and now they don’t want to talk to you at all.” When rationally, their kid could be sick, their phone battery died, or something else happened that has absolutely nothing to do with me and is in no way meant to be mean or malicious at all. I also struggle with are people going to stick around, which again goes back to how I see my self-worth. I constantly ask friends if they are going somewhere and I know it gets annoying and I feel so dumb for asking it but whenever a relationship falls apart I automatically believe it was based on or because of something I did and that is something my counselor has really challenged me with lately,- Not everything bad that happens or that falls apart is because of you, so you don’t need to take that weight on your shoulders. It is definitely a journey but I am here with you through the end sister, we will find our self-image and self-worth together!

    Liked by 1 person

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