I haven’t posted in a while and I’m honestly not mad. The past 6 months have been some of the hardest months of my life, but I’m sitting here making myself a priority and working towards my goals. Lately it seems like I just can’t win. I’m either too serious or just downright silly and it’s taken a toll on me trying to be everything at once.

Moving to Arizona was a blessing, especially since I was in a very dark place in Korea, but it hasn’t been everything I hoped. Yes, the change of scenery helped but it didn’t get rid of the voice in my head telling me I’m not enough. I thoroughly believe my brain 97.8% of the time and it’s exhausting. No matter how many people tell me I’m a good person and to not care, I choose to focus on those who see a problem with how I am. It’s like in every relationship (all categories) I am the extra one.

This mindset was spurred by an ex who sent me a meme of a trash bag looking in a mirror. He sent it to me and his message read, “oh look, it’s you.” Those words and image have stayed with me and I am convinced it’s the truth. Logically I know it’s not, but the larger part of my brain wants to believe I really am worthless. Not for pity or attention, but because I honestly believe it.

Coming to terms with how I see myself has sparked a fire in me, and now I’m doing everything and anything I can to change it. Have I been the mean one? Yeah, but who hasn’t? Have I fucked something up that meant a lot to someone? Of course, I have!

Life is seriously a roller coaster and I’m on the ride for the long haul, but realizing my worth is something that will take a long time. This is the start of my journey, not the end.