I Wasn’t Going to Write This

You’re too much! 

No one feels that much!

Why don’t you just let it go?

Why do you care so much? 

No one is that emotional. 

It’s not that big of a deal 

Give it back to the universe

Do you ever hear those things over and over again and want it to stop, because same. The only problem is, I’m the one telling myself those things. No one else sits there and says that to me, because the fact is no one cares and that’s okay. No one has the time to perpetually be in your face telling you what you should and should not feel. Over the past few years the perception of emotions we all have in our head is made from the fabric of the thoughts created by our environment. An environment entangled with emotions both positive and negative that has woven a web of should have, would have and could haves into the fabric of our lives. 

This fabric, at least for me, has started smothering me. Telling me day in, and day out that I am not worthy, smart, funny, talented or any other descriptor that somehow makes me worth a damn. As I looked back at pictures from 6 years ago, I realized I am envious of that girl I was, even though the woman I am now is much stronger emotionally and physically and has learned so many life lessons along the way. Throughout the past few months, I have had to remind myself multiple times a day that I am okay, I’m not failing, I’ll finish what I need to, I can do what I’ve set out to do and I’ll get to the end of the day so I can make it to another. 

This year has been filled with so much and to top it off, this month is coming to a close and with that so is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. The anxiety quilt I made for myself weighs heavy on me and from time to time is too heavy to lift. Within the past 24 months I can honestly say there was a time I was not sure I wanted to be here anymore and from time to time I have flashbacks to the way I felt and how I thought maybe if I wasn’t here, the negative voices would stop and the guilt I have for the things I have yet to complete would vanish. Each time those thoughts creep in I have to fight to tell myself that I am doing the best I can with tools and knowledge I have within me. 

Being honest about negative self-talk, negative thoughts and feelings of worthlessness is something that is not brave or honorable. It is something that should be shared and valued because more people have those feelings but chose to brush it aside because they don’t feel safe enough to share. I’m not asking for everyone to get in groups and give each other hugs and spill your deepest darkest secrets, but I am asking you to reach out and maybe just check on someone today. Everyone needs someone, even the person you least expect and sometimes, the person that needs someone is looking at you in the mirror. Whether you need support or are giving that support just be there for someone today even if it’s yourself.

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