Have you ever known something rationally but you just can’t seem to tell yourself it’s real because your mind is somewhere else? If you answered yes, then we have at least one thing in common. For me, everyday I live with a troll that tells me over and over again that I’m not good enough, smart enough or strong enough, but at the same time I’m too much. My fear of not being enough leads me into a rabbit hole that is, for the most part, almost impossible to climb out of.
I don’t know when it all started, but what I can tell you is the more things I have accomplished the louder the troll has become. Trying to keep in front of the imposter was my goal and I was willing to put my all into any relationship, work project or personal endeavor. Ticking those things off my internal to do list did absolutely nothing for my mental state. If anything it made it worse.
The boiling point happened in 2017 and I caved to the troll and I became a person I wasn’t sure I knew anymore. I stopped being ambitious and I let my mind tell me I wasn’t enough for anyone, not even myself. And since I wasn’t enough, I would be too much of a burden on everyone else if I sought the help I desperately needed.
Over the past 3 years I have seen multiple mental health professionals, invested in self help books, videos and podcasts and done an unending amount of soul searching. What I’ve found is that not everyone will like me, I will be too much of something for some people, but I am ENOUGH for the people in my life that love and support me. Sometimes people just need reassurance, especially when their brain is fighting them every second of every day.
All of this is to say forgive me if I….
Need you to tell me I’m okay
Need you to tell me you’re okay
Need you to remind me that I’m loved
Just need reassurance that I am where I am supposed to be
In return I will…
Remind myself daily that I am
Good enough
Strong enough
Never too much
And loved by those who care about me
Learning to Manage the Unmanagable 