How long?

Self-love is often thought of as something you either have or don’t have. Like so many things in life, it’s not always inherent to someone and must be taught, cultivated and nurtured.

I have fallen victim to my lack of self-love and low-self esteem more times than I would like to admit in the past 28 years. I was always such a confident little girl who at the age of 4 when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up exclaimed that I didn’t need to be anything because I was beautiful. I look back and am so sad for that little girl because by the age of 8 she no longer felt that way and was just sad. I wanted so badly to fit in but I was bullied beyond belief (verbally never physically) by little boys who had no idea that their words would destroy any self-esteem I had. From whale, to fat cow, to pig and fat bitch I was called so many names that really left me feeling like I would never be good enough. The people in my life that mattered never said those things to me but I let the words of people who didn’t matter change the way I saw myself and jump started my journey into a really dark period where I did anything to be the best at everything and I succeeded. By all accounts I was confident and working hard for things I wanted. Inside I hated everything about myself.

I still question myself and require way too much assurance that I’m not a bitch, that I’m good enough and that I’m worthy of the good things that happen in my life. So many people have let me down and told me I was too much to handle, but at the end of the day I have to remind myself that those people never really cared about me, they cared what I could do for them. I have to stop letting their behavior interfere with my self-esteem and self-worth becsuse I have let it go on for way too long. I am convinced and terrified that everyone in my life will one day see everything that I think about myself and will believe it. I don’t want to ruin my friendships and relationships because I feel some type of way. I am thankful for the parents, boyfriend and friends I have for sticking with me through everything. I have a lot more good days than bad but it still takes me far too long to name myself when I’m asked what are the things/people I love in my life. Take it from someone who constantly feels less than that you most certainly are not and those that love you will never make you feel that way. So today, forgive yourself, know that you are more than enough and that you are worthy of all the good things that happen in your life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s